Never sacrifice your self respect!

8 years ago I met a guy in an online chat room. He lived in Dallas and I in Phoenix. Though there were miles between us we talked quite frequently, and without meeting we still managed to quickly fall for each other.

Fast forward to about 8 months later: engaged and living together. After awhile, something just wasn't sitting right with me. I was withdrawn from my friends, my family, my church. Several people noticed the difference and tried their hardest to get me out of what I suppose from the outside looked like a situation spiraling out of control.

He started hacking in to my email and changing my passwords. I was only allowed to go to work without him, and even with that, he'd often come by and wait for me to get off. He would get jealous and irate when I tried talking with or hanging out with my friends. I was repeatedly lied to by this man, sometimes about stupid meaningless garbage, all just to have it thrown back at me like I was the bad guy. I soon began to feel crazy...having fact pointed at me, but hearing a completely different story from him. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to believe that our love was stronger, so I began making excuses for his irrational behavior. I felt captive and didn't quite know what to do. I was too ashamed and too prideful to talk with anyone about it. I never have dealt well with failure...

The couple I was working for at the time (my mentors), pulled me aside one by one and gently painted a picture for me. I was in an abusive relationship, and although no physical harm was being done, the mental and emotional destruction was great. I needed to flee.

Before I could get myself out of the situation, he up and left. I found out later by the apartment staff that he'd tried taking himself off the lease...he'd been planning to leave me anyway! I also found out that for so many months, he'd been cheating on me...all the while accusing ME of having things to hide!

I talk a big game about following your dreams...but today my message is a little deeper. I want to make this next part very clear: don't ever sacrifice your self respect for what you believe to be a [shattered] dream!! Living out your dream may not always be glorious, but if it begins to sabotage every other part of your life, especially YOU (and your sanity), run. It's not worth it! Above all, you are a living, breathing person...and there is absolutely nothing wrong with dusting yourself off and trying again. <3

It's my heart I'll follow this time

"...looking into the rearview, as the roads fade away.
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made.
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned
so this can all end tonight.
Tennessee line just changed my mind.
Well, it's my heart I'll follow this time..."

Tennessee Line - Daughtry 

Nevermind for a moment that my story actually *does* involve the Tennessee line...we'll get to that in a moment.  What I really want to focus on right now is this:  There can never be found in you a fault for simply following your heart.

In my most recent post, Every Good and Perfect Plan, I talked about the idea that often times our life experiences don't end quite the way we plan for them to...but not to let that hold you back!  Joy and disappointment are both very natural parts of life, and how you handle them is what really makes a statement.

I made a decision not too long ago to jump on an opportunity in response to something my own heart was tugging at me about.  I was scared, terrified in fact, that it may end badly.  I didn't want a reason to feel disappointment!  Until someone posed this question to me: "What's the worst that can happen?".  I thought on that one long and hard.  Could it really be that simple? 

YES!  You hold every ounce of power in your hands to choose how you respond to life!  Who's to say it will end in disappointment?!  You don't know how deep the water is until you jump, and if you don't jump you just might spend the rest of your life wondering.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather have lived and learned than never have lived at all.  So...I took a big deep breath, a giant leap of faith, and I made a decision to move across the country based solely on what my heart was longing for...

Love.  To be more precise, that of one very specific person.

"Tennessee line just changed my mind. Well, it's my heart I'll follow this time..."

As I drove across state line after state line, something changed in me.  I was filled with peace.  It was as though I watched a trail of mistakes and regrets and baggage fall out of the back of the car, left lonely on the side of the road for someone else to clean up.  I let go.  I forgave myself.  I listened to my heart and made a final decision for my life...to always stay true to myself no matter the outcome. 

Has it gone the way I planned?  Truthfully, no.  Have I met with disappoinment?  Unfortunately, yes.  Did I have a run-in with heartbreak?  I'd be lying if I said no.  However...I can move forward knowing I took a chance on something, found the answers I set out to find, and now have this amazing opportunity to experience a brand new life!

"You're not a fool.  You followed your heart, and you're so courageous for doing that.  No one can ever say Kara Dorland never took a chance on love."

I just can't say this enough...follow your heart!  If you feel in yourself a strong desire for something, REACH FOR IT!  Who cares if you get knocked down?  Don't let that define who you are!  Pick yourself up, put a smile on your face, and remember that God has something much better planned for you.  Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing...don't waste it away in fear. <3

Every Good and Perfect Plan

It's no secret that I'm a dreamer.  I envision things, I plan them out exactly how I hope they'll turn out, and I jump on chance on whims of faith.  Then...I hope and pray that it doesn't end up biting me in the ass. :D  I'm a creature of hope.  I tend to live on the edge of circumstance and I jump frequently.  The danger of being a dreamer, however, is that all too often heartache results.  Why then, you ask, continue on living the the life of chance?  The answer is really quite simple: I truly believe that with every heartache, no matter how big or small, there is something beautiful waiting on the other side. 

After all...if not for heartache, what would we know of joy?  If not for failure, what would we know of success?

One thing is certain: that old adage about change being the only constant in life is true.  We must *always* be ready for change.  There are times when we set out to do things with the absolute very best of intentions and still receive completely unexpected, sometimes seemingly awful results.  Disappointing, right?  The way I see it is this: we can at that point choose to feel defeated and let disappointment get the best of us, or we can embrace the twist of change and look forward to what will eventually prove to be something even better.

I woke up this morning (at an ungodly hour, mind you!) struggling with this very subject.  In fact, I set out to write this about a month ago and just have not had the inspiration to put it all down in words.  It's as if God needed for me to eat my own words first.  True to form of course, I've had to adjust my own attitude based on the circumstances I hadn't planned for.

In the time it's taken me to type this out I've seen a beautiful sunrise over the Tennessee hills and I'm reminded that today is a brand new opportunity to pick myself up and reach out to embrace every dream I've ever had.  Today I choose to leave disappointment behind me.  I will go forth with a bag full of life's (often painful, but always great) lessons.  And in an effort to stay true to myself, I will choose to continue on in a journey full of chance and faith. 

To you my lovelies, I challenge you this: Dare to dream.  Take a chance.  Live on the edge.  Don't let life's disappointments knock you down and keep you from what you truly seek for yourself.  Some of the best-laid plans never produce the results we are hoping for, but be patient my friend...in everything there is a reason.  Something truly wonderful is waiting for you at the end. :)

A peek inside the window of my soul...

Nobody wants to get older...but it happens. As we age, we go through birthday after birthday, and every year, the inevitable question is "So...do you feel older?". To which the reply (or mine, at least) is usually "No".

This year, however, I felt it. I woke up the morning of my 29th birthday, and I simply felt ... old(er). Now, I recognize that it may have had something to do with the ridiculous amounts of alcohol I'd consumed the night before. Maybe even the ginormous crocodile sized drunken tears that came with the gut-wrenching reality of loving someone so much that it was literally hurting every part of me not to have him. Really, it could have been any number of reasons. But the fact of the matter is...I, for once in my life, woke up feeling older on my birthday.

I know what most of you are thinking: "You're not that old!". To a certain extent, you are absolutely right. Statistically speaking, I should have many years of life in front of me. For someone like me, though, someone whose life dream is so completely different from the social "norm", it's hard to see my youthfulness when I take a look at the big picture.

When we're kids, there's a lot of talk about what you want to be when you grow up. Parents and teachers and various other adults and role models will poke and pry and try to set your sights high. I learned, from a very young age, how to answer that question with lies just to make other people happy. I knew exactly what I wanted to be, but when I said it out loud I was laughed at and reprimanded. So...as the other kids yelled out responses like "FIREMAN!", or "BASEBALL PLAYER!", I started to follow suit. "LAWYER! PEDIATRICIAN!" Of two things I was certain...I could hold my own in an argument and I loved babies.

You see, while all the other kids were dreaming about the day they'd finally finish all those years of law school and become that super important widely-known attorney, I had one dream above all else: to be a wife and mom.

I get it. Most women have a natural-born desire to get married and make babies. But that's not what I'm talking about. This isn't just me wanting to have kids of my own. THIS (to be a wife and mom) is *my* life dream. MY ultimate career. Not to be a rockstar, or a model, or an actress. I didn't want to go to school for 8 more years, or become the bitchy CEO of some Fortune 500 company. It's not that I don't have the brains or that I lack the willpower to be any of the aforementioned things. Not to sound arrogant or cocky, but I am a damn smart girl, strong-willed at that, and I certainly do not lack vision. It's not that I have no ambition, it's just that what I aspire for does not fit in with what our culture has deemed appropriate.

Guess what culture? As a 29 year-old ambitious, intelligent, strong-willed woman, I am standing here today with a 6 inch stiletto and designer jean kicking you in the face. And by golly, I hope it hurts. Who are you to tell me who or what I can aspire to be? Who are you to tell me that, since my dream is so unlike yours, it's not a good enough dream? Good for you, feminist movement. Your efforts have certainly not gone unnoticed - many women have benefited by being able to follow their own dreams! But just because MY dream doesn't match your societal outline, does not give you the right to tell me I am wrong.

It's not like I haven't worked for my dream. My training comes in forms different from your own. There is no school for learning how to be a wife and mom...if there were, I would have been there and done that...and worked my ass off for the diploma! Because when I set my mind to something, I reach for it! I attain the unattainable!

My dream may be different from yours, my outline may not look the same, but it is a dream nonetheless and not a person in this world has any right to stomp on that.